Wednesday, December 17, 2014

As the new year comes, resolutions and revelations.

Good change is hard great and wonderful.
Change hurts and makes you joyful at the same time.
Change can be scary.

I am an ever evolving creature.
I am trying to take all the change that I have experienced from who I was before my sickness took over and after the hyst came and went, to a positive level.
What I have realized I think is how I have pushed people away over the years.
When It was to hard for them to understand what I was going through.
When It was to hard for me to have to explain myself.
Even now its hard for me to explain my absence.

I have recently realized how much while being sick I have missed of my friends lives. How much we could have shared. How much it may have hurt them that I couldn't share in their joy. Marriages. Babies. Graduations.
When I did show up I would only be half way there, half on a necessary high and all in pain.

I had to be selfish to survive.

My illness took a lot from me, my illness took a lot of me from my family and friends who I love.
I think I will hate that the most. I think that will always leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I think I will always remember the friends who stayed and hope I can do the same for them someday.

I am happy and I am joyful I love the new life that I have been given but I am also deeply sad. I think that is ok for now. I am mostly happy though.


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Oh hey remember me?

I am still doing well. I accepted another position at work! I am a leasing agent for my building and I enjoy it a lot.
Sorry to be vague!

I love it.

I am so happy and grateful to be healthy! I know it was a long shot I would ever feel good again. Its something I don't take for granted.

I wish I had more to update with but this is all for now!

Heres some quotes.



You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.
— C. JoyBell C. (via im-simply-me)
Trauma permanently changes us.

This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop. 

This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage.
— Catherine Woodiwiss, “A New Normal: Ten Things I’ve Learned About Trauma” (via makojaeger)

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

"Are you ready? Because you can still back out."

It has been a year. A YEAR. Around 7ish in the morning I went under. CRAZY. My life and my body have changed in so many ways. In most ways actually.
 Rather than write out my feelings or any of that ish I decided to make a playlist. I wish I could send everyone a mixtape? er burn a CD with a big angry uterus on it? or me stabbing a uterus??? Spotify will have to do for now. Here is the link.

Playlist from the past few years. (in case you don't have Spotify)
1. Sonsick by San Fermin
2. I Want to Be Sedated by The Ramones
3. Flowers in Your Hair by The Lumineers
4. My Body Is a Cage by Arcade Fire
5. Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
6. Pennyroyal Tea by Nirvana
7. Float On by Modest Mouse
8. Be Still by The Killers
9. Roses by Kanye West
10. Chemo Limo by Regina Spektor
11. I Need the Every Hour (hymn)
12. These Days by Jackson Browne
13. ***flawless by Beyonce
14. Bad Girls by MIA
15. Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell
16. Helplessness Blues by Fleet Foxes
17. Life's a Bitch by Nas
18. Fury Oh Fury by Nico Vega
19. Stubborn Love by The Lumineers
20. I Will Survive cover by Cake

Don't miss this at all. Not to brag or anything.


Friday, March 7, 2014

The Word I Can't Seem to Hear or Speak of Anymore

I would love to write a well written piece on Endo for awareness month. I would love to name all the facts tell you till my face turns blue about what they know, what they don't know, how many women in your life have it, how much it has effected me, etc. 

But. I. Just. Can't.

I feel ill when I read other peoples articles or blogs on this topic. 
I feel ill when I have the words come out of my mouth. 
I feel ill when I think about the past 5 years. 
I feel ill thinking how they don't know if I will be a lucky one and not have any more physical issues because of the illness, surgeries, and "medicines".

Maybe its anger, or frustration. 

I used to gobble up anything and everything to do with endo but I just can't seem to anymore. I am worn down. I 'beat' it. or whatever but I am tired. 

Is awareness important? Well yeah. As long its awareness to modern concepts of the disease. 

Its been around 10 months since my hyst. The thing is me being so young with such a advanced stage of the disease I doubt my uterus would have been saved had I known about it when my first had symptoms at 14. Depending on what origin you believe in, the seeds of adeno had already started. What it could have spared me was years of pain, feeling wimpy and crazy, Asshole Doctors, people who will never fully get it.. It can really mess with your psyche.. 

I hate endo. I hate what it does to your body. I hate the taboo. I hate how I can say I was sick but have to be vague about what it was/is cause not everyone wants to hear about your endometrium (uterine lining). 

Wait probably no one wants to hear about it. 

It was/is such a huge part of my past and though I would rather just never talk or speak or think of it again, I have to be able to. 

'Remission' is going well though, I highly recommend it. 

Happy Endometriosis Awareness Month. 
(half asleep post, excuse errors.)

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Life without sickness.

Now I am learning to be not sick. That sounds weird. Let me elaborate. So much of my brain was spent on not feeling pain. Researching diseases and treatments. Getting ready for surgery. Pushing for surgeries. Remembering to not eat or face the consequences. Trying to get through day by day.

Without you realizing you have lost yourself. I never realized how much my decisions In life had been dependent on endo and adeno. I'm rebuilding a life I never had. I was in my late teens when all this started getting horrific so it has left me slowly catching up to normal healthy people.

The world has opened up in ways I cannot explain. My body has been set free. My mind isn't foggy with medication. My mind isn't worried.

I am healed. I am full (with food mostly). I am whole.

It's funny how I got my surgery literally a couple months after I had prehaps accepted the fact I may never be well in this life. I had decided to make the best out of what I got. I was happy. In so much pain but happy. I think smoothies, certain soups, ensure, and protein bars will never taste the same again. Really I haven't had a  fruit smoothie since August. Actually I think I would be happy to never have one again.

Not to sound cliche. Not to sound cheeesey. When  you go through what I went through. Er.. More enclusively speaking a  long-dragged-out-beat-you-ragged trial. Afterward life more full. Everything feels great. Everything looks Great. But also feels weird. You think to yourself is this real? Can I have a life that doesn't feel like a constant struggle?

Even my bad days are good days.

I can't tell if it's the hormones (as I have less of them) or if it's just because I'm feelingbetter. But nothing seems like that big of a deal anymore. It's actually super nice.

This turned into more of a braggy post than intended. Whoops.


Friday, November 8, 2013

I am thankful for the flu. (or the post about normal problems)

On the blessed sick day, we are about to hit the 6 month mark of my hysterectomy. (Nov 17) I haven't felt like writing things down. My journal has more vapid emotionless one sentence entries than I have ever written in my life. Avoidance, it cures all (kidding, sorta)

I feel blessed. I feel my body getting stronger and more toned. I can fit in pants again and I don't look pregnant anymore. I have a job and coworkers I love and my life has hit a turn around, that is a nice break. I love my life now. I am enjoying the present even though eventually I have to plan what I actually want to do with the rest of life. These are normal great problems to have. The fact that I have to figure out how the F* to do normal things again is a relief. I am thinking once I pay off my medical debt to start thinking more seriously. Mostly because thinking of school and work and paying off medical debt seems crazy stressful right now. 

I am easing in. 

Here is the contradictory feelings I have lately. That I hadn't felt like writing or saying out loud. Besides to one or two confidants. (Thank you for being a friend, traveling down the road and back again...). But I feel I should write them down, I mean its time.

Fear. That I will go back to where I was, or like when I started feeling sick this morning thinking maybe I have appendicitis, or maybe my bladder bust open again. I talked myself down though. I mean There was no pain and I could pee and move around, just like a normal flu symptoms. wooohoooo. 

Joy. Happiness. Love. That damn uterus got what it was coming to him. I do not regret it. There is not one part of me that does. 

Sadness. I don't like talking about this one, but it lingers. 

Victorious. I mean doctors did the work but maybe this is how people feel after the team they are cheering on wins. (I admit I never really have gotten that excited about sports). Or maybe how Charlie Sheen feels like all the time. (winning, Duh... old dumb joke.) It just feels awesome. That's all.

Anger. I feel this one come on, after I see a pregnant belly, or newborn, I get this strange longing, that I have to shut down, I then get mad that some stupid misplaced cells took away that part of life from me. its more complicated than just pure rage. I definitely am happy for who ever is pregnant and babies are too cute to be mad around, but I also want to punch things. Its. Complicated. Its also something you don't vocalize ever. Because that is weird and their happiness and fertility has nothing to do with you. And My anger has nothing to do with them personally. 

Blessed.  

This quote has to be my favorites I saw on tumblr recently. I will link it as well. 

I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.

Hugh Mackay (via reservingheartbeats)


So there is that. 

Most times the last few years feel like a weird dream. Where everything happened and nothing happened. 

To all that have stuck by me in that crazy time in my life. I am truly, truly forever in your debt. 

Celebrate with me on the 17th in some small or big way! I will be toasting with some diet coke. ;)

<3 <3 <3 

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Job Hunting

As of 10 days ago I am looking for a job. The first time I will be working in about 2 years. It is exciting. I am fairly hopeful to get a job soon. I had 5 interviews (some albeit by phone) this week and have more next week. 

I am crossing my fingers I find a good fit. 

After a week doing all of this though I am tired. Post Op tiredness lasts a long time. I got to keep moving. I should be back to complete normalcy in 9 months. Not. Even. Kidding. 

I am ready to work! Even if I am super tired while doing it.